Hey folks! I wrote a short story last weekend that I just needed to share with all of you. I'm so sorry in advance. Enjoy!
Everybody Hates Herbert
A short story John Spahr
Part 1: Off to a Bad Start
Herbert McHugh was infamous for being one of the most unpleasant individuals you could ever have the misfortune of meeting. Whether it be his hostile demeanor, hatred of hygiene, or severely unfortunate facial features, it was a great chore to like him in any capacity. Yet, Herbert had a few things working in his favor. He married a surprisingly nice woman by the name of Gertrude. He secured a job at the local power company. He even had a small house he was renting. Against all odds, our not-quite-friend Herbert made a nice—if not mundane—life for himself.
Things seldom stay the same, though. Herbert was not immune to change. Our story begins in a rather ordinary fashion: Lawn Mowing. Herbert had few pleasures in life, and mowing his lawn was not among them. He did it because his landlord wanted him dead. One cannot fault his landlord for this hostility; Herbert really did suck a lot. Herb begrudgingly obliged to do the bare minimum in property maintenance.
As Herbert went up and down the lawn with his decrepit push mower, a small squirrel was watching him. Quincy O’Nut was no ordinary squirrel. He was a mastermind with a dream. He wanted to be human. The power company had been polluting the local rivers for many years, so it was an inevitability that, eventually, a random young squirrel would mutate into a mastermind. Quincy was just that.
Herbert pushed his mower along, growing more and more tired by the minute. Until he heard a deep voice. He looked down and saw a small squirrel with a giant head. This head was home to Quincy’s freakishly large squirrel brain.
“Hey, dude. Yeah, you.”
Herbert was taken aback. A squirrel who could speak English fluently? What were the Russians up to this time?
“Oh, get over yourself. You humans are so ridiculous. I have a proposal for you.”
“A proposal?” Herbert asked dubiously.
“Yeah, need me to define it for you?” There was no denying that Quincy was a smartass. He also did not have a lot of patience for Herbert, whom he had been spectating for quite a while. That said, he knew that Herbert was the key to achieving his goal of finally becoming human.
“I know full well what a proposal is. That’s rich coming from a squirrel of all things. Can’t you see my life sucks? My landlord despises me, but not as much as my own wife. I hate showering. I hate everything. What I would give to be a squirrel like you…”
“Then listen closely, Herbert,” replied Quincy. “You and I both have something in common: We want each other’s lives.”
“HA!” exclaimed Herbert. “Good luck with that one.”
“I do not jest, Herbert,” said Quincy calmly. “I will dress as you, and you will live in your tree like me. It’s a rather flawless arrangement.”
Herbert scoffed. “I need a beer.” Quincy watched Herbert walk inside to indulge in some unhealthy escapism.
Part 2: A New Leaf
A few days later, Quincy witnessed a rather amusing sight. Herbert tripped over himself and face-planted in his driveway. This was his chance. As Herbert tried to collect himself and get in his decaying Kia Soul, Quincy approached him. “Fancy seeing you here, Herb!”
“Fancy yourself, squirrel man,” Herbert said in a deeply patronizing tone.
Quincy continued. “Have you considered my offer? You clearly don’t seem to be doing this human thing very well.”
At that moment, something inside of Herbert’s brain snapped. He had reached his breaking point. The last semblance of sanity he possessed was slipping from his clutching, metaphorical hands. “Fine! Dandy! Sure! You become me for a while. See how you like it! Maybe you’ll understand that this human thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!”
Quincy could barely hold in his excitement as he watched Herbert tear off his shirt and trench coat. From there, he decided to climb up his tree. He looked around wildly and started munching on a nut. He had instantly embraced the squirrel life.
Seeing this, Quincy set his plan into motion. He grabbed some small branches from the yard to use as stilts. Then, he took Herbert’s trench coat. He was fortunate enough to be replacing a human whose facial features naturally resembled that of a garden critter. He was practically indistinguishable from the real Herb.
Quincy had listened to Herbert’s complaining enough to know he worked at the power company. So, he hopped in the Kia Soul and started it up. Quincy had never come close to operating a motor vehicle before, and despite causing numerous fatal accidents, he made it to work on time.
“You’re early, Herb? I never thought that I would see the day!” said the man at the front desk as Quincy entered the power facility.
“Yes, yes. It is true. And I would like to apologize for Herbert’s—I mean my—past mistreatment of you. I’m trying to turn a new leaf. I hope you have a wonderful day, my friend.”
The man stared in disbelief. After years of being belittled by this absolute monster of a man, he had exhibited genuine kindness? Something mysterious is afoot, he concluded.
Being a squirrel, it is safe to say that Quincy was hardly qualified to supervise the employees at the power plant. He was quite terrible at it, actually. Despite Quincy’s incompetence, he was still leagues better at Herbert’s job than Herbert ever was. As they say, the only way from rock bottom is up.
This caught the attention of Herb’s boss. “Herbert, I am astonished. You seem to be taking your job seriously for once! Keep this up, and a promotion might be headed your way.”
Quincy found this quite humorous. As a squirrel, he had already performed better than Herb ever did at his job. He realized that he’d never entirely grasped how miserable of a person Herbert was.
When Quincy returned home a little past five, he was greeted by Herbert’s landlord. “Herb, your rent is long overdue. Pay up, or you’re getting evicted.” For a moment, Quincy panicked. How much longer could he put on this act? Herbert hadn’t made this gig easy for him. Then, he had an idea. Quincy always kept a few acorns on him. After all, they are a veritably delicious and nutritious treat.
“I am afraid that I cannot pay you with your human currency—I mean, our human currency—but I have a far better alternative. Take these acorns. They go well with just about anything.”
Herb’s landlord thought for a moment. His expression indicated that he was not convinced. Luckily, after considering it for a little while, Herb’s landlord came to his senses.
“Yes, acorns are very nutritious indeed. They complement my keto diet quite excellently. This will work. Thank you, Herb.”
Quincy grinned.
Part 3: Plot Twist of the Century Ahead
“Wow, Herb! You’re like a whole different person. For once, I don’t entirely regret marrying you!” exclaimed Herb’s wife. For the last few weeks, Quincy had continued to play as Herb, becoming better at it by the day. In fact, Quincy was convinced he’d already become better at being human than Herb himself!
“I’m so happy that you got that promotion. Maybe we can finally go on that romantic trip to Gary, Indiana!” Herb’s wife was ecstatic.
Quincy was, too—almost. Deep down, he knew that he couldn’t go on like this much longer. Being human has been a wonderful adventure, but one must not live a falsehood forever. As sad as it made him, Quincy knew it was time to go back to embracing his squirrelhood.
As for the real Herb, it turns out he had a real knack for being a squirrel. Make no mistake—the other squirrels hated him—but that nut-heavy diet had done wonders to his physique. He didn’t even crave beer anymore! For once, Herb was almost happy. He had even started to forget about his human days. That is until a familiar figure approached him.
“Quincy, my friend! I love acorns and trees!” said Herb in an uncharacteristically happy tone.
“I’m sure you do,” replied Quincy, “But the jig is up. I have had a great experience as a not-quite-bonafide human, but we both must go back to our ordinary lives.”
Quincy paused. Herb looked crestfallen.
“Don’t worry, my friend. I think you’ll find your human life is much better now. Your boss, landlord, and wife all almost enjoy you for once. You even got promoted! Consider this a second chance.”
Herbert pondered this for a little while. “I suppose that’s true.”
Herb was seldom a rational person, but his squirrelhood had changed him in profound ways. He climbed down from the tree.
“If you ever need me, you know where to look,” said Quincy.
Herb just nodded.
“One last thing,” continued Quincy, “Your wife is pregnant. But don’t worry—I promise I’ll pay child support—in acorns.”
The events that ensued are far too graphic to write about, but you can imagine what happened next. But that’s beside the point. The moral of the story is to embrace your life and accept yourself. Being someone else is not sustainable and can lead to unforeseen consequences. Next time you’re not happy with your life, just remember that it could be worse! You could be Herbert McHugh.
The End!